The Israeli Conspiracy

Just hear me out. I understand the urges to ridicule and mock that this word triggers. Just try to look past it, there are two other words of no less significance in the title. So even though ‘The’ is infernally infuriating, let’s focus on the other two. For those of you whose immediate response is to shrug off conspiracy theories, and theorists, I say, rest assured (and well done, because it’s always good to refuse an unknown entirely!), because I’m not one so keep reading. Just because I believe in this one conspiracy theory doesn’t mean I’m a believer in conspiracy theories, does it now? I would have to also be a pothead, which I’m clearly not, evidenced by my sobriety right now which in turn is evidenced by my rationality which clearly shows through my ability to follow this train of thought till the end, which isn’t an accurate statement because I’m actually in a city that’s not on any railway lines so you might have to take a bus. As you can see, I’m no less sane than the next man. Well, not the immediate next man, I’m not too sure about him, seeing as I’m in the annual meeting of Potheads United and he is the president. What was my point? Ah, yes, I was saying how clearly valid this conspiracy theory is.

Now here are the facts that you need to know beforehand that will be imperative later. I’m by no means self destructive or harboring any suicidal thoughts, so don’t send the drones Mr Smith, or whatever your name might be, sir who is reading this on a screen in Langley because of the terrorism flags triggered by the mention of the word ‘thoughts’. Also, we don’t really have to agree at the end on the validity of this theory; you only have to hear me out and acknowledge its correctness or allow me to call you names. It’s only fair since I’m the one with the connections to make these words appear in front of you. (Thanks by the way Google, I owe you big time buddy!)

So here is the build up. I was asleep having one of those dreams that are enjoyable for no apparent reason. I was eating a mango that wasn’t really one, since I was eating it like an apple, but it tasted good and surprisingly mangoish, while riding a winged horse with my huge sword on my back through the fields of Sleepland. That’s the name of the place my dreams occur in; it’s a very creative and self explanatory name at the same time. Occasionally I would pick another mango, but that was about it. Now that I mention it, I don’t remember throwing the seeds, which will definitely mean stomach problems in tomorrow’s dream. So far it was an ordinary dream which I’ve been having for quite sometime. Traveling in Sleepland takes several weeks and despite what their name may suggest, winged horses don’t actually fly, they just have wings, like pigeons. Those also don’t fly here. But that dream was about to change.

All of a sudden I hear this buzzing sound (it goes bzzz, then stops, then bzzz again, although I’m not sure if they were equal length bzzz’s or not, that would have been really valuable to know). I turn around to find my self in a car. I know we aren’t in Sleepland any more, because organic gas prices are through the roof there and the regular gas is only good for the horses. The car is small and crowded, and the rood is hellish too. Every now and then, we find some obstacle in the road with pointy metal rods coming out of it, and I have to remove it, only to prick my self on my arm or feet with a microscopic cut that I can’t see. By the end of the dream the car was drowning in one of those pools of water on the street with the passengers inside. I wasn’t in the car, I was the one who pushed it there. I didn’t know it would, but my push made the car topple over and stand vertically like a dragon that’s shaped like a car standing on its legs vertically. I stood helplessly watching as they drowned, because I couldn’t reach them. Oh and there was a baby inside too.

Now doesn’t this all sound too familiar to you? Exactly, I thought of UFOs too (remember the buzzing earlier?), but turns out I was wrong because I found no traces of probing (thank god!!). It was Israel. Apparently they have this new device that can turn all your good dreams into bad ones. They project a laser from an unmanned helicopter, which may be the source of the buzzing because helicopters go bzzz when they fly, to change the dream. The microscopic cuts I was having in the dream were from, you guessed it, the laser. When I woke up, they were still there on my arm and foot. Tiny but really itchy. Laser can do that. The red one, not the green one.

I confirmed this when I asked an expert in the very specific field of Change in Dreaming Patterns From Really Good To Lousy In Which People Die Because Of The Subject Filling Him/Her With Guilt, and he told me 24 hours afterwards that it may have been only my mind, which was ridiculous. I know everything that happens in my mind, it usually takes permission from me before doing things. He wasn’t making any sense which meant I’m right in my original hypothesis. Not that I needed his approval, you could clearly see I was, if only by looking at the name of the device that changed my dream: “Morpheus Holocaust 2000”!! Not only Morpheus the Greek god of dreams, and Holocaust which has something to do with Israel, but 2000!! That’s the trademark of anything real and original. It could also mean that this is their 2000th version, which makes me feel heartbroken that it took so long for me to be considered viable for testing.

Long story short, I’m not going to sleep again until I have taken every precaution against them, and I suggest you do the same. Here is what you need:

  • Vinegar. Lots of it.
  • One of those water sprays, but empty it. Water is bad for this.
  • Flags. Like really big ones, that can cover your whole body while you look wistfully to the future.
  • Caffeine.

Now here are the steps:

  • Put the vinegar in the spray. Close it well, vinegar evaporates in room temperature, so you have to close the led so it’s in bottle temperature.
  • Cover yourself with the flags. Every bit of you. The more enmity the flag’s country has with Israel, the more effective it’ll be in repelling the Morpheus Holocaust 2000.
  • This is the most important step. Take the caffeine and make a circle around the bed with it. If your bed is too close to the wall or too big to make a complete correct circle, you’re screwed.
  • This is also the most important step. Draw a swastika inside the circle so that it touches it from inside.(Swastika for Israelis is like the cross for vampires. Does absolutely nothing but make them more angry at you.)
  • Stay awake all night. When you hear the buzzing, spray the vinegar on your face and everyone near you. They’ll thank you later.

If this fails, it means you didn’t love your country. You are a spy, a traitor and working for another country (to hell with redundancy!) and should be promoted to hold all the powers except not officially. Sort of like the one in power in Egypt right now.

A great man once said...

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