General Abdel Fattah Sisi, is the champion of the Egyptian people. He is the saviour of Egypt from the darkness that is Islamist rule, and bringer of light to the working class’s darkened rooms after all the light was sent to Gaza during the Islamist presidency. Although Sisi’s light lasts for an hour or two before the rooms are darkened once more due to a power cut to alleviate some of the load on the poorly working power stations, which, we are constantly informed, are being bombed by Muslim Brotherhood members deviously tunnelling their way out of prisons then retreating into them in the middle of the night once more to not raise any suspicions.
General Sisi is the voice of all our people, as he said, being the voice, that the people have continuously said he is. And as such, having a different voice is both an affront to the General and a crime punishable by law, or whatever we currently have that contains all the punishment laws without those ensuring the yucky basic human rights ones.
General Sisi is also more than just that. He is the foremost fighter of terrorists, their families, and their friends and anyone who just looks like them. Say what you want about his methods, he is thorough and he leaves very little to chance, and to anyone really. Last year, following a public demand of more than an entire handful of talk show hosts, activists and right wing supporters, he carried out a massive operation to simulate what would happen if mass killings of protesters were ‘ok’, by mass killing protesters and discovering it was, indeed, ‘ok’, as the talk show hosts, activists and right wing supporters stated afterwards, not at all defensively.
General Sisi is also a genius economist, whose plans to substitute all non energy-saving lamps with energy-saving lamps as a way of balancing our power deficit carried him through the elections as swiftly as writing 96.4% and saying it over and over is, despite there actually being no change in the power deficit. His current ingenious and widely celebrated plan of building a new Suez Canal alongside the current one, which is projected to be extremely lucrative, has been successfully funded by people’s savings accounts. So well thought out is this project that the stamps being printed celebrating the new canal actually have a picture of the Panama canal on them, which the Egyptian people, the talk show hosts inform us, are taking to mean it’ll be just as lucrative, good looking, and under the same US control, and not at all a lazy designer’s mistake. This foresight and genius is what motivates the entire Egyptian people to stand behind this man, despite the rapidly increasing cost of living, the 70% increased fuel prices, the police brutality, banned free speech, the oppressive emergency law, the deteriorating state of the working conditions and abuse against the working class. There’s not a single Egypt-loving Egyptian who opposes this Egypt-loved man, and if one does then he should be thrown in jail or shot, because we were told no one is, and that would make that statement false and threatening the other statement that says all statements are true, and is therefore punishable by law.
The reason you are holding this sarcastic article in your hand, aside from the fact that it’s because some (probably) hairy unwashed and extremely determined man just handed it to you, is because the man who committed a massacre against a thousand people (in the most forgiving estimates), jailed forty one thousand persons on political cases, that’s forty one thousand men just as determined and freedom loving as the young man who gave you this paper, oppressing every opposing voice, killing them or letting them die in prison, handing out mass executions in absurd verdicts, 600 sentenced to death in one 10 minute trial, that man is in your city now giving a speech in front of the General Assembly. And he’s supported by your government, both financially with a yearly aid of $1.3 billion and politically. Your government now seeks allies to start a new war, and commit new massacres, alienating one poor man against another poor man in a war neither of them is either responsible for or benefiting from. Thousands of men will die in a prolonged, suicidal and desperate battle from one side, and a capitalist machine on the other seeking new markets and new resources for itself. Hundreds of terrorists will emerge for each one killed, and hundreds of bombings and deaths for citizens like you and me.
We, the Revolutionary Socialists are the only group that stands in the face of capitalism and this regime, we champion the working class and the poor everywhere in the world and we call on you to join us in our struggle.